Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs

Author:Emerson Eggerichs
Language: eng
Format: mobi, epub, azw3
Tags: Spirituality, Non-Fiction, Self Help, Religion
ISBN: 9781591451877
Publisher: Thomas Nelson
Published: 2004-09-06T22:00:00+00:00

“MY WIFE IS ALWAYS GETTING HISTORICAL”

As I talked with one man about his marriage, he told me that every time he and his wife got into a fight, she would get “historical.” To be sure I understood, I asked him if he actually meant “hysterical.” He said, “No, historical. She keeps dredging everything up from the past.”

Many wives are very good at getting historical. That’s why it doesn’t do a husband a lot of good to try to end a conflict by saying, “Let’s just drop it.” That is not how she thinks, and she will not drop it. She may let it go for the moment, but she will remember, and eventually she will start “rehearsing history” for her husband again.

Almost every husband I have ever talked with can share stories about his wife’s seemingly limitless capacity to remember who said what, where it happened, who was wearing what, etc. Your wife is wired to get historical, to bring things up that you’ve totally forgotten, to go full circle and get them resolved. She’s dredging them up so she can clear the air and feel love in the relationship. And you, the hapless husband who stands bewildered before her seemingly superhuman memory, will have to come to the point where you accept that this is her integrated personality in action and that she can’t “just drop it.”

Whenever she gets historical, she is trying to reconcile with you. She wants you to be open with her, and she’s trying to encourage understanding and peace between you. She wants to be sure you aren’t angry with her so that she can feel loved. She is not trying to provoke you, although it may sound that way as she delivers her historical diatribe. Husbands have a hard time believing this. The fellow who told me his wife often got historical was more than skeptical when I tried to explain that she was just trying to increase feelings of love between them.

“No way,” he said in bewilderment. But it’s true because this is how a woman’s mind works. During a conflict, the woman’s approach to solving that conflict is very different from how the man resolves conflict. As discussed in chapter 4, two women who are good friends will get into a serious disagreement, but later—perhaps the next day or perhaps in half an hour—they will resolve it as each one states her side. They get it all out on the table and finally ask each other for forgiveness. The problem is that the typical wife will go home and try to use this same approach to resolving conflict with her husband. But it doesn’t work. Why? Because the typical male resolves conflict without a lot of discussion, sharing of feelings, or apologies.

Some men might apologize to one another, but as a rule it’s just sort of taken for granted that they will “just drop it,” and they do. So when a husband is approached by a wife who wants to resolve a conflict by sharing feelings and coming “full circle” to a resolution, he balks.

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